Friends,

Sunday Nov 4 is the NYC marathon...also the date of my mother's 55th birthday. The nihilist female athletes of my family have decided to run the marathon again.....and based primarily on a two year long guilt trip laid upon me by the birthday girl, I have the exciting opportunity to be a part of this fantastic event. For those of you that will be along the course cheering,leering and jeering the pack of runners, please be sure to look for the three following individuals.

My Sister Kim

- If you are unfamiliar with what she looks like.....watch the movie Terminator 3. Now imagine they made successive Terminator movies along the same lines of the first three...with each new terminator being exponentially stronger than it's predecessor. Somewhere around Terminator 14, you would be in the ballpark of what my sister's current physique is, along with her current attitude towards "her time" . If the aforementioned is still not enough to pick her out of the crowd....look for the person with blurred circles centered around her hips .... Kim is projected to finish some time 20 to 21 minutes after the start.
My Mother Randi


The svelte and gorgeous double fiver birthday fox out there for her 5th or 6th time to tackle the beast that is distance running. Often likened to Elle Macpherson.... but hot ....Randi will be out there with her name and birthday-shirt on clocking in somewhere around 4.5 to 5 hours. Give her a cheer or a high five...she will be out there loving life and kicking ass.
Me - Rj.

In the early miles it will be hard to pick me out of the crowd. I will be smiling and enthusiastic, happy to be alive and healthy with a crowd of people running around me. This will end some time before the completion of mile 1. From mile 2 on, I will deteriorate at a rate negatively correlated to the amount of encouraging cheers I receive. Sad to say, I am not the titan I once was. A man that often complains of a stiff back, warm rooms being too drafty, and ownership of shy erections...I will gently fade from the lead pack of runners settling somewhere out in the 4 to 7 hour pace group. I expect nothing less than colossal failure and exhibition of inadequacy. I have trained for about 4 weeks in total for this race....most recently running 10 miles 3.5 weeks ago when I decided it was time to start "resting" the legs. I probably have a better chance of inventing time travel by Sunday than actually finishing.


That being said, I offer the following promises in return for coming out to support any of the above mention individuals.
I WILL NOT

1.I will not ask you to do anything. Period. Have a blast or sleep in...whatever.

2. I will not try and convince you that you should run along with me, run the marathon next year, run anywhere in general or even hint that you should exercise a little more.

3. I will not invite you to come "check out" the marathon expo. Will not require your attendance to any type of pre/post race pasta party, runners cotillion, forum discussion on strategic shoe tying or powerbar gang bangs .

4. I will not ask you to strategically position yourself on any street corner, intersection or location with any type of food fuel, ,steroid drink or motivational item that would detract from you holding your own beer, beers, friend's beers, bag of wine or beernoculars.

5. I will not ask anyone to listen to me talk about my training schedule, the meals I am going to eat in preparation for the event, the hard runs I did, the hard runs I did that I thought were easier than they should have been or how my training buddy is really cool even though he was a townie from a state school.... and how we should all hang out sometime.

6. I will not finish the marathon and start saying "ya it was fun....but i'm thinking tri-athalons are more my thing"
I WILL

1. Give myself a 30% chance of finishing....possibly less if anyone wants to put some cash on the table and give the gamblers some better odds.

2. Give you a chance for a great photo op of me chugging a budweiser tall boy at miles 19 (ish) and 23 (ish).

3. Give you a chance to watch me fail miserably covered in realization of physical limitation and tears.

4. Sneak in my sisters website for a donations since you probably did something horrible to someone this year and this is a good way to mentally write if off. http://www.active.com/donate/rwp07NYCMARATHON/kimberlyons



Whatever happens, I will be drinking beer like a pregnant viking starting some time early evening on sunday...so at least make it out for that. Hope to see you all out there...give me a call and lets get it going.

Rj

Riiiiiiiiiiio Grande

Ouch. Actually didn't even get around to ordering some steak nachos. Good way to start off the summer though.

CRUNCH TIME

GOOD DAY FRIEND. HOPEFULLY YOU ARE READING THIS THE FIRST TIME AROUND OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF YOUR HEART...AND NOT BECAUSE I HAVE HOUNDED YOU RELENTLESSLY TO SUPPORT MY MARATHON FUND RAISING CAUSE...OR THAT I AM CURRENTLY STANDING BEHIND YOU WALKING THROUGH THE DONATION PROCESS. AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW, I AM TRAINING TO RUN THE NYC MARATHON ON NOVEMBER 5, 2006. JUDGING BY MY LOVE HANDLES, CRIPPLING ADDICTION TO SLEEP, MY COUCH AND AND IT'S BODY CAST OF MY LEFT SIDE, MY ELITE LEVEL OF XBOX PLAY AND GENERAL DISDAIN FOR ENDURANCE SPORTS, MANY OF YOU MAY SCOFF AT THIS ATTEMPT AND SAY "FAT CHANCE FAT FACE" WELL TO YOU NAY SAYERS, I SAY NAY. I SAY THAT ANYONE THAT IS WILLING TO SEMI - FULLY COMMIT TO A TRAINING REGIME AT THE LAST POSSIBLE DATE THAT WILL ENSURE MINIMAL EXPOSURE TO CATASTROPHIC KNEE/SHIN DAMAGE IS THE KIND OF PERSON THAT WILL MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. I ALSO THINK THAT PERSON WILL NOT ONLY FINISH THE MARATHON IN PERSONAL RECORD SETTING TIME (PREVIOUS RECORD NOT AVAILABLE), BUT WILL ALSO HOST A CELEBRATORY FUNCTION AFTER THE RACE AS WELL. THAT BEING SAID, ANY DONOR TO THIS CAUSE, NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL, IS ENTITLED TO A PERSONALIZED RED, WHITE OR BLUE SOLO CUP FILLED WITH AS MUCH *BEER AS TWO TO FOUR KEGS WILL SUPPLY. THE LOCATION OF THIS "PARTY" WILL BE SUPPLIED SHORTLY, BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY BE HELD AT APPROX 4PM NOV 5, 2006.(http://www.teamforkids.org/)THERE ARE A LOT OF KIDS OUT THERE THAT DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO KEEP THEIR LIVES POINTED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. THIS CHARITY FOCUSES ON STRUCTURING KIDS TO LEAD HEALTHY PRODUCTIVE LIVES. WE ARE TALKING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGERS OF THE FUTURE, NOT THE F-KED'S. I KNOW THAT PEOPLE GET ASKED FOR MONEY EVERY DAY, AND WE ALL BECOME SO NUMB TO IT THAT MOST OF THE TIME WE REALLY DON'T CARE WHAT THE PERSON IS SAYING, OR WHY THEY ARE ASKING FOR THE MONEY. WE ALL SPEND AT LEAST FIVE DOLLARS A DAY ON SOMETHING WE DON'T REALLY NEED, IT WOULD BE NICE TO THINK ABOUT PUTTING IT TOWARDS SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW OUT. EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR ON THE WAY TO THE GOAL COUNTS JUST AS MUCH AS ANOTHER. NO MATTER WHAT YOU CAN GIVE, IT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. PLEASE PASS THIS WEBSITE ON TO WHOEVER YOU KNOW THAT LIKES KIDS, LOVES ME (EASY), OR JUST LIKE TO PROSPECT AND INVEST IN A CHEAP BEER IN THE FUTURE.


I still have about $800 or so dollars to raise for this young folks. Though I look forward to spending the American Express points that will go along with my paying the charity this money myself...I would much rather everyone out there join hands, sing a song of hope and throw a few bucks in to the pile. Remember, you get free beer on sunday after the race.....its a win win situation.

So... to recap.

1. WWW.TEAMFORKIDS.ORG
2. CLICK "CONTRIBUTE"
3. CLICK CONTINUE
4. CLICK CONTINUE
5. FILL OUT FORM, MY NUMBER IS 1732 AND LAST NAME IS LYONS.
6. FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

ITS THAT SIMPLE. I LOVE YOU ALL.

MANNY KAP + 100
MANOLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. LP. What would the world be with Manny Kap.? It wouldnt be a world with delicious Buffalo Wings. It wouldnt be a world with Original factory installed Tail lights on leased cars. And it wouldnt be a place where the blame for all things that went wrong could be blamed on one individual. I dont know about you, but it doesnt seem like a place I would want to live. Manny, you are the man bud...thanks for the VERY generous donation.....I know you have been saving for that penis reduction.


CHRIS THE GREEK AKA RDM + 50
VLAKA! I'm surprised you had the chance to stop at the website to donate. I know it cut in to either your online car shopping or Myspace mass "Hey, I dont usually do this...but I'm also a huge fan of (insert movie) and (insert band) is my favorite. I like (current band album), but man I can remember so listening to (previous band album) like 400 times in college at ivy league university University of Pennsylvania. Anyway, just wanted to say hi.....how could someone like you be single???!!!...awesome profile song by the way!" messages. I've never had a better friend that told me on a regular basis that he hates my guts. See you in Brookyln....fugehadeaboutit.

ROBERTO DONGO +20
Berto. You're a good man. Not only do you speak about cooking like it is a Trashy Romance novel, you have your act together and married a gorgeous woman at the age of 21. See you out there my man.

Luisa Collins+10
Thanks so much Luisa! Ever since I came to OSG you have been a great help! Thanks so much for the support.

Capt Andy Biederman +100
Block island to the far east, you've seen it all and done it all. I know you will be out there again soon living the good life. Thanks for the support

MAUREEN AULISA +25
Mo. Once my mortal enemy, now a very close aquaintence....my how far we have come. I give you a lot of credit
for the endurance trial you are performing on a regular basis being bff with Natalia. I would rather run 26 miles on broken glass bare foot than listen to her talk about anything. I would be nicer to Natalia at this point and say just kidding, but there is no way she will ever come close to any type of donation websitel....so no need to sugar coat it.

ADAM KANZER +25
This donation entitles you to one Rio Grande Margarita and whatever blackout comes along with it.

SHARI ADLER +25
Shari! My sisters beautiful friend with the great curly hair! Please reference above, you will not only be the the lucky drinker of and RGM, I'll throw in the steak nachos....AWESOME! Thanks so much

SHARON PETITO +25
I still remember the days when the Fab 5 walked through the halls of St. Francis prep with their cheerleading jackets and scrunchy socks. I remember them well because I was trying to figure out a way to hide in my sisters room to catch you guys changing during sleep overs. I trust you are still kicking peoples ass on a regular basis a la Tito Ortiz. I will be sure to give you a huge hug next time I see you. Thanks so much Sha'

Carol Walsh +$50
Mama Walsh! Thank you soo much for the generous gift! The support from both you and your wonderful daughter is extremely appreciated. Can't wait to see you down here the week after the race...I just hope it wont be awkward for you or Stef to push me around in a wagon or a shopping cart when we all hang out.


Pretty Dave +$60
What else is there to say about one of my 2-8 best friends that this picture doesnt already scream out?



Mama Dukes! +$131
The inspiration in my life to get anything hard accomplished. Life has never been easy for you since Kim and I were born... there were so many years of you struggling to answer the really tough questions in life like "Why are your children so awesome?..and..Why is does the girl who is much older than the boy continue to pick her nose and eat it?" etc. I love you so much Mom, you are so remarkable in so many ways that I can never thank you enough for anything and everything you have done for me.



Kimbo +$100
I orginally wanted to run the marathon to finish before you...but now that you look and run like the chick from Terminator 3 I really don't think that is going to happen. I can't believe how ridiculously hard you have trained for the marathon, you are definately going to kick ass. Make sure you don't kick too hard on the last 5-6 miles...you might have to walk back after you finish to collect me. See you out there speedy.


Steve Soph +$100
Steve. What can be said about a man that isn't already said on 4 to 500 internet chat sites? If you aren't photo shopping a picture of Manny on to Freddy Kruger's body or trying to beat me on my search for the end of the internet, you are brightening up everyone's day around you. I have to hand it to you, when I wanted to pull that prank with the poisonous frogs...you were the only one that suggested we paint them for more of a "poison" look. Your devotion to scaring the crap out of your friends is something I admire and fear. See you out on the streets of brooklyn my man!



Pat Dowling + $50
Pat my man, very clutch. I am almost positive that you could become the wealthiest man in the world, wear only mink suits and gold shoes.....I would still be worried you would beat me up in an alley late at night. No one has ever pulled off a rat tail/mullet quite like you my man. I thoroughly appreciate the donation, please be sure to come by next time you are in NY.

Ross Cutler +$100
What can I say about this man that isn't already plastered across mens bathrooms up and down I-95? I mean we all know that he is easily the most annoying/absentee roommate/drunken ass pincher/"will spill red wine on your white couch and try and pretend it didn't happen" person in the world. We also all know he was voted "most likely to get slapped in the face by a stranger for a very justified reason" in college, and we all know Ross is definitely the person that has passed gas in any situation where it was extremely inappropriate and poorly ventilated. He is a good friend though, and if I had to choose between him or getting kicked in the face, I would almost always choose Ross. Love ya bud, enjoy D.C. P.S- You suck at FIFA 2003, 2004 and probably the rest of the games that will come out under the FIFA license.


Tom Flanagan +$30
What do you get when you cross Albert Einstein, a Care Bear and someone described as having "That old fashioned toughness.....that is a throw back to the way football used to be played?." You get Mr. Tom Flanagan. I can not describe how great of a person Tom is. Not only did this man teach me an entire semester of Calc 2 in one evening Freshman year of college, he did it without a hint of "dude, leave me the f*&k alone, it's not my fault you're dumb." Good luck in the Chicago Marathon my man, please make sure to call me whenever you are in New York.

John Ervasti +$50
I can't say much about this man that isn't completely described in this picture (on the left). This is how Josh lives every minute of his life. I once saw Josh jump out of a speeding car just to see what it felt like. Though I have not seen the Erv in a year or two, I still hold dear the afternoons/early evenings of beer, xbox and writing rebuttals for Phil Curran's harassment woes. I would love to say I would come down to visit you some time, but I'm pretty sure it would be too much like partying with the cast of "Encino Man" to enable me to return to work anytime soon after.


The Wardians! Mike, Jennifer and Pierce +$50
The Marathon Guru himself has graced the donation page! It isn't every day that a world class runner does more for the slow pokes than leave them in the dust. It is almost sad that Pierce is going to be able to finish a marathon before 95% of the population as soon as he can walk! Thanks so much Mike and Jennifer, I really appreciate it.


Phil Keller +$25
My man! The ruggers continue to support the cause.... Not only do you let me hold on to your guitar for a year, you hooked it up like a champ with the donation for the kids. I'm sure when you are not sailing the high seas on our fine OSG vessels, you are partying like a rockstar in Charleston with the rest of those bruisers. We need to do a night on King Street my man....I know it's not like our nights at the park winning boat races...but I'm sure it will be good time. Thanks for the support man.


Sam "The Skunk" Moskowitz +$25
A member of both TFO and Grandma's Thong, I consider you a brother. Though it wasn't so long ago when we didn't know each other and mutually thought the other was a dipshit. Me with my normalness, and you with that ridiculous patch of grey hair on the back of your head. We've got a few years behind us, a few trips to the West End Gate under our belts, and an endless amount of reasons that we are on someone else's "people to kill list." Hreeespeck!



Kevin "KO" O'Connor +$110
The big, huge bouncer scaring, 9' Tall friend I always wanted. Where to begin? Do I will start when we were Juniors (your 5th year of college) at KP when you walked around the Preakness for a full day wearing a ten year old's pee wee football jersey proclaiming your 5 touchdown game as an unmatchable feet. Do I will comment on the fact you once picked up one of the hottest girls I have ever seen by singing karaoke wearing a foam clown nose you "borrowed" from the Dj's microphone? Either way, you're the man Cankles. Thanks for the sizeable donation.

Gaining some momentum......



Valentina Fleece aka Vali' G + $10 I got a call from Lil' Jon and Ying Yang Twins the other day, they want a call when you are certified to put in some gold fronts for the crew. I'm sure you will do for dentistry and marriage what what fire did for cavemen.....make it hot! Thanks Val...good luck in Buffalo, watch out for the flying bison.



Matty "Yonce" Rowe +$100! I can remember when you came to KP just a shy mid western kid showcasing marginally heterosexual glamour shots of yourself and your girlfriend dressed as Cowboys for the prom. By the time you were ready to graduate, you were reciting whole monologues from Fight Club, drinking rubbing alcohol straight from the bottle and battling 3 paternity suits in 4 different states. I honestly feel bad for whatever bar, state or social gathering you are going to inflict yourself on next....but thanks for the support bud....though I'm sure it is just going to have to be repaid in bail money one day.....you're still the man.



Vanessa Ro' +$25 I can't tell you how proud I am that the Whitestone - Beechhurst - SAINT LUKESSSSSSSSS connection still lives strong to this very day. Whether it was hanging out in a park, being one of the 4000 people to ask you "where's melissa been", or just having a kick ass New Years/Pool (may it rest in peace) party at your moms house...I can always count on you to introduce a Dr.Pepper shot at the worst possible time, or for you to be drunk off a relatively small amount of alcohol. Yeaaaa kid!

GO - ING STRONG!

CHRISTI CLEMA + $50 The big bad Tampa real estate mogul is not only breaking hearts and breaking the bank down there, she is breaking out the generosity and chipping in a cool 50 bucks. Thanks so much.



ROBBIE TIBBALS +$10 The best thing to hit New York from Colorado since Coors Light hit the scene is a man among men. I owe you a few Rio Grande Margaritas my man. Cheers


KATIE PARAGREEKNESS +$25 I can still remember our mid day breakfast omlettes senior year of high school in Cancun. I still miss the old Katy voice, but the new one has been around for a good 7 years now, so I guess I will learn to live with it. Thank you for your kick A donation. VONAGE RULES!